I’m a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man i have been with has told me so, I’ve been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, “Son, sex is a lot like this egg.” “Dad, I think those are drugs.” “Whatever, queer.” “Why does everyone keep saying that?” “Listen up, son, listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don’t stand too close or you’ll get yellow stuff all over your bacon” What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling: “No, you shouldn’t.” That’s a breakfast joke. That’s the most important joke of the day. If you don’t laugh at that, you’re gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you’ll be like, “Why am I so tired?”
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You’re gonna have to work. Yep.
You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I’ll call B.S. I’ve watched the deadliest catch on Discovery. I’ve never once been at work, capsized in a 40 degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, “Hey, at least we’re fucking fishin’.”
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I’m gonna be pissed.
Bring the troops home tomorrow and continue the war here. Because we owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds with their families. Wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, drive to war. We can have it in Nebraska. We don’t need that horrible state.
Not cool would God approve?
My SUV doesn’t run on corn. Ethanol’s a dream, and a dumb one.
I don’t think I could stab somebody, ’cause I’m really bad at a Capri Sun.
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, ‘did you see that guy come out of the bathroom?’ ‘The one with doves, it was beautiful.’
One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend’s wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they’re not.
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
I’m actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house…
I hate you, Google. You’ve caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend and she would look up anything. “I’m going to look up apples today.” She just hits ‘A.’ It’s “Asian ass porn” instantly. Google is, like, “I’ll take it from here. I know exactly what you’re looking up… Well, every time you hit ‘A,’ it’s ‘Asian ass porn.’” Google! All I ask is that you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion. It’s bad enough that I’m clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords. I’m trying to have an honest relationship, and you are fucking my shit up!
What if you went to heaven and God meets you and says, “Hey, welcome to fuckin’ heaven.” I’m like, “What did you say?” “Welcome to fuckin’ heaven.” “I didn’t know you could swear.” “Fuck, yeah, it’s fucking heaven” “Well, I was raised as a child never to swear.” “Where does it say in the Bible that you can’t fuckin’ swear?” “No fuckin’ where!” “All right, now you are getting the hang of it. Oh, yeah, I saw some slutty bitches outside the pearly gates? You wanna tap that? They ain’t gettin’ in!” “What?” “No, just kidding. You aren’t in heaven, you’re in hell. You’ve been punk’d.” Arghhh! Damn you, Ashton! That was elaborate. Way to go the extra mile. Even in the afterlife, you’re a douchebag. Hope it was worth it charity-bangin’ that geriatric for all eternity. Am I right? It’s so gross. I hope Can become rich & famous in my early 20′s so I can settle down and marry a 40-year-old with kids…that’ll really throw the scent off the gay trail.
Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.